i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
