Plan B is the new Plan A
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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