So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize