i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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