how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
