I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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