Can i not drive my cunt home
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
