sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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