I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
