so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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