You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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