I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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