I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Randomize
