Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
