There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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