I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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