Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
