Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
