i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I did not marry a roomba.
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