he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
the raccoons are back...
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