woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
