Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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