My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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