Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
