I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
