Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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