I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
