I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You know, be my cock's hype man.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
