I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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