Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
The beer is more important than you right now.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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