So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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