and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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