I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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