I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
