i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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