You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
