If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
