Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
i now understand why vodka
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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