the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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