So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
