So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
