You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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