You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
