I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
