Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
