I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
