....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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