I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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