I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
