my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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