I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
