u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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