I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
