i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
