Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
