I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
