why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
