My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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