My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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