On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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