She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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