i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
